Beginnings
I was born October 4th, 1955. I am the oldest of three. I was fortunate enough growing up to be blessed with great parents who loved
us enough to keep us in line when we misbehaved. Home life as a child was about as normal as it gets, almost like an episode from "Leave
It To Beaver" where situations may have been difficult at times, but always seemed to work out in the end.
Why Am I?
I can remember at an early age making philosophical inquiries regarding the nature and purpose of the universe by asking; "Who
am I", "Why am I", and "What is my ultimate purpose in life?" I loved thinking about anything that was deep
and mysterious. I was always asking "Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How?" I think I made my dad crazy sometimes with all
of my questions. Perhaps it was a 60's thing, when it seemed in vogue for everyone to "
find themselves". At least
people were thinking. I think it is healthy to ponder the mysteries of being and purpose. Truth be known, I never did "
find
myself" in the 60's.
Early Inadequacies
Originally being raised Catholic, I was taught to believe in God and in the Catholic religion as the vanguard of spiritual truth. Unfortunately,
I was also taught at a very young age that God's salvation for me was dependent on my actions and obedience concerning the requirements
of the Ten Commandments and of the laws and rules of the Catholic religion. These are the earliest memories that I have of feeling
frustrated with my inadeqacies and performance. Because I was Catholic, I was taught and believed that if the requirements of the Catholic
religion were obeyed, and that I did not die in a state of "Mortal sin", that somehow, it would justify my acceptance into
Heaven, after suffrage in purgatory for some unknown duration of time to "pay-up" for my inadequacies and accumulated sins.
However, it was always more of a hope than an assurance because most of the time, I was very disobedient to the Ten Commandments and
to the stringent Catholic requirements. And based on my performance (or lack thereof), even my hopes were severely diminished because
I was taught that God's grace was something that had to be earned and merited by me. To be candid, I always assumed that hell would
be my ultimate and final destiny. Pretty sad indeed, but at least I was being somewhat honest in my self appraisal of my pitiful spiritual
condition. I know now that the reason that I always felt so spiritually dead was because I was spiritually dead!
Reasoning and Truth
By time I was a young teenager, I was convinced by sheer reason that there was more to the material universe than meets the eye, and
that there must be a first cause and purpose for its existence that transcends random naturalistic processes. (
I go into detail
about this on the "
Origins"
page) Thanks to my religious up-bringing, I was
sure that
God was indeed real, even though, to the contrary, I was taught in the public school system that we owe our existence
to the self-governing, naturalistic processes of evolution. This was very confusing.
I wanted to know the truth about our existence. But, I found that even the word "truth" was a subjective term to some, who
claimed that "everyone defines their own truth". I was not satisfied with this definition (and am still not) because there
are no "absolutes" or "definitive meaning" to a universal reality with this definition of truth. (See the "
Philosophy"
page for more on "Truth") So truth, and the search for truth, became very important to me. It will be important to anyone
who wants to make sense out of anything.
Turbulent 20's — Troubles, and More Troubles
My 20's were a very turbulent time for me. To fulfill a need that I had—to be more, and to mask the depression I felt due to
my inadequacies, pot and playing in rock-and-roll bands became my way of life for awhile. My focus became more and more about me. And,
the more that I indulged myself, the more disgusted I became with myself. I can remember the night that I turned 30, asking myself
"How much longer I can live like this?". That was the year that my life became unbearable and unmanageable by any self effort
or will-power that I possessed.
My Way — A Dead End
Shortly after my 31st birthday (1986), I realized that something had to drastically change in my life. My attitude and behavior was
appalling, even by my low standards of morality. I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror without utter disgust. So as
a "good Catholic", I made a grand attempt to get cleaned-up by going to confession, spilling my guts to the priest by telling
him everything, in order to be presentable to God. In fact, my confession to the priest was so detailed and extensive that he requested
me to recite two rosaries as my penance before I could even leave the church! When I left, I felt a little better about myself but
still had this unsettling feeling that something critically important was missing in my life. However, I pressed on, honestly determined
that I was not going to consciously sin any more... Yea sure... That lasted less than twenty four hours and I was right back where
I started—still corrupt to the core! This confused me, but at the same time, taught me an important lesson about myself that
I never realized before—I was worse off than I had ever imagined. (
Isaiah
64:6) For the first time in my life, I tried really hard to be good and sinless (by biblical standards of keeping "The
Law") only to learn that I could not! The harder I tried to be good, the more I failed, realizing that I was
not good.
My way just didn't work! I could not make myself holy and righteous, the Catholic religion could not make me holy and righteous, (or
any religion for that matter) not even close! I was a total failure in trying to be a good person by Biblical standards or even by
lowly human standards for that matter. But what was going to happen in the next few weeks would transform my life forever!
God's Way — A Live Beginning
On one particular dark late October evening in 1986, I found myself experiencing deep depression. I was sick of myself and sick of
how I had been selfishly treating other human beings. I still recall getting angry with my younger brother and treating him horribly
because he didn't deliver on a bag of pot that I desperately needed. I became so frustrated with myself, after failing miserably to
be righteous by my own efforts, that I decided to take a walk and have an honest conversation with God about my pitiful condition.
At first, I did all of the talking, asking God many questions about my failures. Since my way failed miserably (for reasons that I
now know), I finally accepted defeat in my own efforts admitting to God that apparently, I could do absolutely nothing to better myself.
Humbled by my embarrassing moral defeat, I then asked God if there was something that He could do on His end. It is very clear to me
now that the Lord allowed my circumstances to get so bad, that I would ultimately ask that question. A few moments later, a profound
revelation came into my mind that was absolutely incredible...
Jesus Christ already did it all for me! He satisfied all
the requirements of the law for me! Jesus was perfect on my behalf! He died for me personally, bearing
all of my sin! (
Rom 5:8)
God revealed His Son Jesus Christ to me through the ministry of the Holy Spirit right then and there, and in a millisecond, it all
became as clear as crystal!! (
Mat 16:17),
(
John 17:6) It was as though a brilliant
light had been turned on! In an instant, I understood the purpose of Christ's life, death, and resurrection for me. And for the first
time in my life, I genuinely felt alive! My new understanding of Jesus Christ was a gift from heaven. (
Amos
4:13) I was so overwhelmed with my new understanding of God's plan for me that I felt the weight and the burdons of
the world removed from my shoulders. I experienced a liberation and freedom that was new to me and also an understanding of God's total
forgiveness! Somehow, I knew that this was a genuinely real revelation from heaven! In fact, I recall asking God in that moment if
this new revelation that I was experiencing was real and from Him. Just a few moments later, I recall seeing a falling star blaze across
the black western night sky, as if God was confirming to me that "
Yes John... I am here, and this is real!" In those
fist few moments I realized that God's way to man, through the gracious and personal revelation of His Son Jesus Christ, who fulfilled
all the holy requirements for me, was nothing like my way to God, which was based on "performance based acceptance". I was
changed that night—no, I was exchanged! My iniquities and punishment were transferred to Jesus, and Jesus' righteousness was
transferred to me. (
2 Cor 5:21)
I was given life, when I deserved death! What an amazing and dramatic start to my Christian experience and walk with Christ! I don't
mean to overly dramatize or sensationalize my personal conversion to Christianity, or to minimize anyone else's conversion experience,
but this is the way that God chose to reveal Himself to me. Every conversion to Christianity is special, unique, and equally important!
Faith — The Heavenly Gift
As a result of Christ's life and imputed righteousness that He freely gave to me (
1
Cor 1:30), and the Gospel which now resonated with me, (
Acts
13:48) it became natural to
willingly respond in faith because God changed my nature. (
Phil
2:13) I could not, not believe in Jesus Christ as my personal savior! God's grace was irresistible to me in the sense
that I did not want to resist it. My faith was born that night, not because of anything I figured out on my own, or of anything that
was a result of my will, (
Rom 9:16)
but because of God's mercy and grace toward me, despite my ignorant resistance to Him all of my life. (
John
6:44) I can not, and will not boast about my faith because even the faith that was developed in me that night was a
gracious and precious gift from God. (
Rom 12:3)
I did not seek Him—He sought me! (
Rom 10:20)
The grace that God administered to me that night (and continues to administer) was and is totally free. However, the high cost of my
sin (death) did cost Christ
His life. He received what I deserved (Death) and gave me what I did not deserve (Life)!. (
Eph
2:8,9) I received it willingly because it was too beautiful and irresistible for me to not receive it. Again, the weight
and burdens of the world were removed from me! What an awesome relief!! Thank you Lord!!!
Assurance and Insurance
Because God is omnipotent (all powerful) and omniscient, (all knowing), and given the fact that He sought me when I was not seeking
Him, (
Rom 3:11) I now enjoy the utmost
assurance that He will finish the work that He started in me. (
Phil
1:6) And God Himself that says that He will make me stand firm in Christ. (
2
Cor 1:21)
Finally, I can rest assured that despite my failings, (and my feelings)
I have an advocate, Jesus Christ, sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession on my behalf. (
Rom
8:33,34)
Growth — A Grace Walk
Since my conversion in 1986, the Lord has been growing me in stages—sometimes painful stages. Prior to my conversion, the Lord
provided me with a great friend who would challenge my thinking regarding spiritual matters. The Lord used this friend to indirectly
lead me to Christ and to eventually disciple me along the way in my newfound faith. Just after my conversion, the Lord also provided
me with a good Bible-believing independent local church, where I could grow and establish relationships with Christians. The pastor
of this church was very instrumental in helping me understand what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This
was an important change for me because prior to this, I always thought of Jesus as a stern figurehead rather than a personal friend
and advocate. My first year as a believer (the honeymoon stage) was like walking on clouds. It was very cushy and easy to manage. I
think this was because of my initial overwhelming love and joy for the Lord as a new believer, that resulted in total surrender to
Christ that empowered me, so that anything that was hurled at me was dealt with in His strength and not my own.
However, over time, my theology started to focus on me and my accomplishments, rather than on Him and His accomplishments. Flesh will
do this. That's where my grace walk started to falter. Legalism and self righteousness crept in and life became a struggle again. I
quickly found myself "burned-out" from all of the "doing" in what little strength that I possessed. Somehow, over
time, I adopted a theological doctrine that was more focused on the abilities and responsibilities of man rather than on the sovereignty,
grace, and power of God.
Thankfully, by the grace of God, as I studied the Scriptures more intently, I became more and more aware of God's sovereign providence
in directing human affairs and decisions. This led me to an understanding of God's sovereignty and strength and on His holy purposes
and ways, instead of mine. Little by little, I shifted my theology from a
non-reformed view to a
reformed view of
God's sovereign election, (
Eph 1:4-6)
and to a view of God's grace that conquers even resistance and unbelief in a man's heart, like the grace that God administered to me
in the beginning. I did not seek Him, but rather, He sought me! (
Rom
10:20) I need to always remember this and continue to always give God the glory for it.
Labels
I am not ashamed to bear the label "Calvinist" regarding the
reformed view of election (which I believe to be the
correct biblical view). However, let me be clear about this; I am not a follower of John Calvin, Martin Luther, John Edwards, Augustine,
John Piper, John Mac Arthur, R. C. Sproul, or anyone else who may have written brilliant works, but rather a follower of Jesus Christ.
I am
Christian first and foremost and am not ashamed to be identified with that label. (
1
Pet 4:16) I believe in my heart that these fine men, for the most part, preach what Paul preached, and what Jesus taught
regarding God's sovereign elect and His irresistible grace, but men are fallible, still affected by flesh. Mistakes are made in the
presuppositions that we develop outside of Scripture and sometimes even inside of Scriptures if we interpret them to accommodate our
own dogmatic views.
I am a "5-Point Calvinist" regarding the
reformed view of election, not because I follow John Calvin, or that I
agree with everything that John Calvin taught, but because I believe that the
reformed view of election is the biblical view
of God's grace administered to a corrupt and fallen mankind who cannot receive salvation apart from God's divine invitation and intervention.
Our only reliable source, regarding the matter of God's work of redemption, are the
Holy Scriptures themselves. I realize
that the Scriptures can be interpreted differently, which will influence one's doctrinal view to some degree. But all too often, I
find that one's doctrinal view has become the presupposition by which one interprets the Scriptures, rather than allowing the Scriptures
to interpret themselves. This is where error and heresies enter the Church, and usually, where a secular, self focused view of man's
part and credit in God's election have their basis.
Ever since I discovered God's mighty and sovereign hand in the matters of men and what He did to secure them (and me), I have also
discovered His amazing grace and an unfaltering security in His power of perseverance regarding those who belong to Him. (
2
Cor 5:5)
Eternity — See You There?
I look forward to being united with all of God's children (my brothers and sisters in Christ) in the eternity to come. It will be an
experience that we can't even imagine in our finite thinking. So, I dare not even attempt to describe it creatively without the risk
of doing it a gross injustice
If you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord, and you believe in your heart that He was raised from the dead, then you
too will spend your eternity with God. (
Rom 10:9)
And if you
have confessed Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you can be assured that God was in it and enabled you to see
and receive Him by divine invitation. (
Acts 13:48)
Final Exaltations
For those reading this that have not believed in and received Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, I pray that God, in His mercy and
divine invitation, has included you to be part of His family. I pray that He will open your eyes and heart to the Gospel of salvation,
either directly or by proxy, using someone in your life that He has sent to you as His witness. I pray that God, in His loving mercy,
will reveal Himself in such a powerful way, that you will come to Him willingly, without reservation. And finally, I pray that this
is the day that it happens, because every moment with the Lord is a precious jewel of life!
